Breast Cancer Bombshell 45, Oh Shit!h

Breast cancer bomb shell.
So it’s two weeks ago that they told me and tonight is the first night that I can not sleep a wink , mostly what’s swirling around in my head is that oh shit I’m going to die , I’m not strong enough to be positive, it’s all an act my happy face is actually terrified it’s sinking In that this is a little serious, I’m now scared that everyone I love not only me is going to die , I feel sick , I said am I going to die a horrible painful death and he said no not yet , someday we will both die but not yet , gulp.
Ok so it’s 2.33 in the morning, M is snoring , G beside him
And me beside her , little pure thing she doesn’t need this in her life , already I heard them whispering that daddy would help her learn to do the chores, make me coffee, Hoover , all the things in case I’m too sick , bit scared now , fuck is this seriously happening? Are you actually kidding me bugger ? Dear god I’m really going to need you this time , got to sleep but lump in my throat and tears trickling down my cheeks are keeping me alert .
You know when you want to cry but you swallow it back , well I must have done that 100 times this week , it makes a small hurty sound at the back of your throat and some how I feel like a small child when it happens , come on divert yourself the little voice says , look at the sky it’s really blue much bluer than ever and the wind is gently brushing against your face , it’s nice , yes stay alive , fight this don’t be ridiculous you are going to be okay and then it happens Gulp.
It’s 1.47am ,he’s snoring , my boob is throbbing , the waves are making a lovely sound , I don’t want holiday to stop because I will have to face it , but I do because I want them to cut this baddie off me and I don’t because that it maybe mean the start of the end or maybe the start of becoming half the woman I am .

So shit ,was it me ? Yes , did I give myself cancer? , always wearing my underwire bra in bed , come on I knew it was bad for me , or was it drinking tons of milk and hundreds of cups of coffee ( or covfete in Trumps world , yes tiny joke interlude)
All that chocolate and comfort food , children’s sweets and raiding the fridge when I was alone looking after G , with off the scales PMT to soothe and a little down in the dumps sometimes because the world was frightening me.
Was it all that burnt toast , Diet Coke , processed meat and bollocks, damn I should have become a vegetarian earlier , correction need to became one rapidly asap.
Was it all those angry thoughts and broken heart this last year fighting Brexit , yes that probably did it , I mean after all the fact that it resides in the breast above my heart is not lost on me . Broken heart cancer . Fear yes of course cancer . Being vulnerable, putting your self out there , yes , attack , attack you left yourself open to cancer . You fool , I mean you knew this , you of all people knew about raising your vibe, being happy, trying to love and not to hate , being responsible for your own reality and instead you stand up , make a fool out of yourself get all angry and get cancer , well done it’s too late now you idiot .
My mind was wild and I couldn’t tame it and now I have no choice other than to set things aside and get really positive and get well again , but my mind is wild , I’m repeating myself for technical effect here you see , in the dead of night , M still snoring and bugger should stop using words like dead , note to self not good,
But anyway my mind is wild and look what a mess it’s got me into .
Breathe , stop , settle down , exhale the bad and we are all set ……….
Okay things to do , if in doubt just start doing something about it and the answers will follow I know that ,actions bring solutions yes good hat now on .
Acupuncture, Deepak Chopra , gather my friends , gosh I’m lucky for some reason I seem to have the most incredible brilliant, funny, kind and most excellent friends ,the two that are my top team of wonderful ,are lisa and Lauren , these two beautiful’s told me that they ” have got this ” or actually ” we’ve got this ” and do you know this was the most amazing , reassuring, supportive and loving thing to hear , there are a few lovely others but these two , well they are the A team of friends you really need to have in life , 1 because they are simply funny and make you laugh ,2 because they are so interesting that you feel like you are alive just being near them ( alive – good word , well done , good work , keep it up honey pie , self hug and pat on my back – alive ) 3, because even when you haven’t got cancer and way before you got cancer , they constantly built you up so you felt like a much better person than you actually were , 4, ditto as above before cancer they surprised you constantly with lovely little gifts , food , childcare out of the blue , lovely emails and texts and even when half your friends thought you were crazy this last year they didn’t or even if they did , they made you feel secure in your skin like you were a good person , like you mattered and that meant everything to you and lastly although there are thousands more reasons , but lastly for today and it’s now 3.43 in the morning , they were there , in a flash at the hospital, on the phone , sending beautiful spirit lifting bracelets from Australia through Amazon Prime , god bless Amazon prime , receiving literally immediately day after bomb shell .
They were there , or ,well one was , Lauren was in Australia of course but so with me really , in my stratospheric , so she / they were there every step of the way, but she , Lisa was there ,hospital, results , taking G to Macdonalds , coming with wine , a huge delicious chunk of my favorite Victoria sponge cake and take away , making me laugh , saying the right things , caring the hell out of me , she was there , in the morning fresh at 9am taking me to the clinic for my first blood tests,because really I didn’t know what the hell I was doing , taking me to buy bath salts and for a coffee , letting her little girl who I love deeply into our adult scary world , who incidently , said and did all the right things, so patient ,kind and utterly human she , they were there , texting me constantly, how was I ? What did / do I need ( by the way my tenses are all muddled up on purpose, it’s my skillful new writing prose or not you decide )
They were there and are there for me , saying we’ve got this .
It’s 4.13 am we’ve got this and because they’ve got this for me , I can get this , I’ve got this .
One more thing maybe I can’t sleep because what side do I sleep on ? If I sleep on my left side will the bad cells tip towards my armpit and spread ? and since I’m no longer wearing my underwire bra because maybe that’s what started this pesky thing , there is no support no control the cancer could be on a rampage ………
Stop , breathe out and relax ,
I’ve got this .