My life blew up I am Flat I am a burst , shriveled up balloon , I am also perhaps melodramatic that is true, grow up , I’m so sick of you ! But I’m not flying high above snow capped mountains, do a deer is not my tune , I’m not Julie Andrews anymore running up lush green country side singing at the top of my lungs with my arms strung out wide , or Kate Bush as it happens anymore . I’m Alive though I’m alive ,be Thankful you spoilt thing and pick yourself up off the carpet again , but I’m different than before , I’m lucky , I just feel a little crushed , I’m just a little sad , a little less smiley than before before before …… and a whole lot less me that’s for sure ( I’m trying out my Shonda Rhimes dramatic script writing style you know Greys Anatomy, repeat repeat oh shut up me you see you see, it’s diabolical I bleat ) It’s tamoxifen I think a dampener on my spirit and bones I guess? and after tremor’s of what’s happened to me this past year and all the implications of it all loom over me like a large eerie storm cloud that hasn’t broken yet ,feels like a heavy weight to move under, thud , thud , I can’t ,i’m stuck , I’m scared and I’m abit of a wreck, shipwrecked lost at shore what do I do next ? See melodramatic to the core , I wrestle , self absorbed what a total bore , jump out of your personal made up pain and get a grip , move on why don’t you ?after all you are NO longer at deaths door …. Oh shut up me and get up off the sand , rub yourself down , pick yourself up , you are no fun to hang around , you fool , you total tool ….but as the saying goes all clouds pass don’t they ? and break open into vast swathes of blue , so shut up me let’s just wait let’s see … I had a reflexology treatment the other day first I felt guilty being a therapist for 25 years it’s something I have rarely have done for me , but I loved my job as it happens and really miss it , I just think that perhaps I over did it , I exhausted myself trying so hard to constantly please , that’s something I need to address in future indeed . So a gifted lady put her hands on lucky me and as I lay there at one point I tried not to wretch, as suddenly when she pressed on a certain part of my foot the pain in my stomach and rib cage felt too much and nausea overcame me , I thought holy crap has that chemo given me stomach cancer now ? ( side note Chemo can make you much more susceptible to various cancers which ironically you were never likely to have gotten before which is the irony it saves you but ultimately could kill you too when you reach your final straw, but when the odds stacked up it was best for me that I did it anyway moving on ) and willed myself not to complain or throw up and then she hit another point and the pain in my left chest was sore, mind synapses sending tormenting messages now galloping towards bone cancer ( you guessed it another increased risk and deep fear of mine ) . Question is it okay to wallow like a hippo in your fears for a while after cancer or is it just a weak character? Or is it something you need to do to come to terms with things so you are able to make a shift later ? At the end I told the lady and she said “ it’s because you have not digested what happened to you at all you are still rushing everywhere, you need to slow right down you need to listen and stand still, you need two years to really connect and get to know what you want , you need to heal you can’t change other people but you can still influence just don’t get so attached to stuff okay ? and the pain in your chest was all the blocked lymph fluid where they have taken them away you need to sort this , she was very serious, believe it or not if you please but it made perfect sense to me . So finally I listen I must take stock , 2018 you are VERY much alive tick, 2018 you have two arms tick, 2018 you have two legs tick, 2018 you have two boobs tick, wrong, one boob and an alien tick but it’s doable tick, 2018 you have a brain, query ? come back to that later. 2018 sense of humor.. Um don’t worry it will come back quick , 2018 you are very loved indeed tick ( it’s a miracle tick) 2018 NOW GET ON WITH IT tick . Ps oh mighty spirit turtle animal of the sea I forgot to thank ye whoopsie, I still have all my teeth tick ✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️ ( during Chemo reference) Stock check taken . Me to me Chrissy so for goodness sake woman slow down stop running head first into walls making the same mistakes, I worry in my notebook , stop trying to control outcomes of everything , come on buck up your ideas let go and develop some patience and be grateful for all the love and support around you , you are not going to be better over night you fool and you need to find a different way to be , it might be invisible to the world around you, after all you have hair again , all be it you look like a cross between Ziggy Stardust and Billy Idol oh come on move over punk you have hair and you look relatively normal to everyone else but be real there is no rush to fix it’s not yet time for a white wedding after all , no you are not completely okay yet , you are not normal and maybe that’s perfectly okay, holy cow woman of course you haven’t digested any of it good grief , darn it ! Alarm bells go off inside my head you just did it , you just went on the scariest haunted theme park ride yet , it changed so many parts of you , you no longer fit I spit , no wonder you are a abit confused , you just followed protocol , you did what ever you were told to do , took on the patient role , you just hopped on board , not many a question answered many asked though…. so Possibly let yourself off the hook for a while poppet. The end of treatment is slightly like a betrayal you do your side of things pull your weight ploughing on by and by through the horror of it all and then you are left fending for yourself with zero guidance at all except “ you are high risk , check your bones for pain in case of reoccurrence and take this toxic drug which is going to make you feel shit and suck your personality out of you , as if the body snatcher hasn’t already left you with not much to work with already , nobody tells you that the next bit on this ride is pretty rocky , the truth is that it never really ends for some anyway and I think it’s when it really hits you like a truck how vulnerable you have become and must start to live moment to moment being grateful for every single day but the demons are tough to wrestle with they linger around like ground hog day . Okay so it looks like I’m at battle with my mind now, war of my world , it’s not holding up so well , it got me through mastectomy, Chemo and radiotherapy but it’s now constantly throwing shrapnel , your going to die anyway, pow 💥, it’s not a question of if it comes back it’s a question of when it’s coming back bang💥your chances are low splat 💥, that sort of thing keeps coming at me , take that take this take that Batman your dead , over and over it’s like bad elevator music which just won’t stop, so scratch that shit. I’ve got to develop a clean slate of grey matter, I’ve got to become a master heist of my mind , you know Steve McQueen slash /movie star /boy racer /dish of all time /slash Thomas Crown master thief super sleek and cool 😎 I’ve got to be like him , I know I’ve managed to loose you here but the trick is to loose myself that’s all . I can not only fool everybody I can actually fool myself completely healthy again and then be well again that’s my goal , to become the master of my mind or cat woman on a hot Tin roof , sometimes I worry that I am abit odd but that’s another subject. Maybe I have always been ? I was such a naive young happy thing always laughing always smiling I remember people often asked me why did I always smile what on earth was wrong with me ? Funny that isn’t it and I always used to think that’s funny actually what is wrong with you, you miserable git ? Then i entered the proper adult world some bad stuff happened to me and then some beautiful and I began to worry about everything and everybody in the world , such a responsibility it turns out that being a full grown human is . Yoda But you know I never actually worried that I might die way before I had planned , it was more like worry about everyone else dying and me being left lonely in a forest in a wooden hut with a couple of cats you know that old chestnut ! , so I suppose there’s a good chance that I might not be left lonely anymore …. Maybe I’m being way too self indulgent I should be grateful and just get on with the business of being me again and be grateful and be done with it but it doesn’t feel that simple . Sometimes I’m overcome homesick for the old times if only I had never been ill but I’ve got to keep trying to climb out of this festering mind I must choose better thoughts i must sing aloud and dance , I must start to create who I want to be again one step , one moment, at a time after all life is like a board game you never quite know if you are taking the right moves sometimes you win and sometimes you loose but you’ve just got to keep on rolling the dice and carry on. Pps on holiday I’ve been asking the pretty mountain range what next ?will I be okay ?and in reply I heard very much you will be okay , you are barking mad dear Chrissy but you will be okay and I soak up the sun and remember to be grateful as I can’t swim in that same cancer chat anymore . Ah oh wait , stop , pause, I see you thought , pass on your way thought, because I don’t think that you are real I’m going to slowly find myself a new way different than before I’m not going to believe you anymore .

by chrissybcAugust 10, 2018April 26, 2019

2 Comments on My life blew up I am Flat I am a burst , shriveled up balloon , I am also perhaps melodramatic that is true, grow up , I’m so sick of you ! But I’m not flying high above snow capped mountains, do a deer is not my tune , I’m not Julie Andrews anymore running up lush green country side singing at the top of my lungs with my arms strung out wide , or Kate Bush as it happens anymore . I’m Alive though I’m alive ,be Thankful you spoilt thing and pick yourself up off the carpet again , but I’m different than before , I’m lucky , I just feel a little crushed , I’m just a little sad , a little less smiley than before before before …… and a whole lot less me that’s for sure ( I’m trying out my Shonda Rhimes dramatic script writing style you know Greys Anatomy, repeat repeat oh shut up me you see you see, it’s diabolical I bleat ) It’s tamoxifen I think a dampener on my spirit and bones I guess? and after tremor’s of what’s happened to me this past year and all the implications of it all loom over me like a large eerie storm cloud that hasn’t broken yet ,feels like a heavy weight to move under, thud , thud , I can’t ,i’m stuck , I’m scared and I’m abit of a wreck, shipwrecked lost at shore what do I do next ? See melodramatic to the core , I wrestle , self absorbed what a total bore , jump out of your personal made up pain and get a grip , move on why don’t you ?after all you are NO longer at deaths door …. Oh shut up me and get up off the sand , rub yourself down , pick yourself up , you are no fun to hang around , you fool , you total tool ….but as the saying goes all clouds pass don’t they ? and break open into vast swathes of blue , so shut up me let’s just wait let’s see … I had a reflexology treatment the other day first I felt guilty being a therapist for 25 years it’s something I have rarely have done for me , but I loved my job as it happens and really miss it , I just think that perhaps I over did it , I exhausted myself trying so hard to constantly please , that’s something I need to address in future indeed . So a gifted lady put her hands on lucky me and as I lay there at one point I tried not to wretch, as suddenly when she pressed on a certain part of my foot the pain in my stomach and rib cage felt too much and nausea overcame me , I thought holy crap has that chemo given me stomach cancer now ? ( side note Chemo can make you much more susceptible to various cancers which ironically you were never likely to have gotten before which is the irony it saves you but ultimately could kill you too when you reach your final straw, but when the odds stacked up it was best for me that I did it anyway moving on ) and willed myself not to complain or throw up and then she hit another point and the pain in my left chest was sore, mind synapses sending tormenting messages now galloping towards bone cancer ( you guessed it another increased risk and deep fear of mine ) . Question is it okay to wallow like a hippo in your fears for a while after cancer or is it just a weak character? Or is it something you need to do to come to terms with things so you are able to make a shift later ? At the end I told the lady and she said “ it’s because you have not digested what happened to you at all you are still rushing everywhere, you need to slow right down you need to listen and stand still, you need two years to really connect and get to know what you want , you need to heal you can’t change other people but you can still influence just don’t get so attached to stuff okay ? and the pain in your chest was all the blocked lymph fluid where they have taken them away you need to sort this , she was very serious, believe it or not if you please but it made perfect sense to me . So finally I listen I must take stock , 2018 you are VERY much alive tick, 2018 you have two arms tick, 2018 you have two legs tick, 2018 you have two boobs tick, wrong, one boob and an alien tick but it’s doable tick, 2018 you have a brain, query ? come back to that later. 2018 sense of humor.. Um don’t worry it will come back quick , 2018 you are very loved indeed tick ( it’s a miracle tick) 2018 NOW GET ON WITH IT tick . Ps oh mighty spirit turtle animal of the sea I forgot to thank ye whoopsie, I still have all my teeth tick ✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️ ( during Chemo reference) Stock check taken . Me to me Chrissy so for goodness sake woman slow down stop running head first into walls making the same mistakes, I worry in my notebook , stop trying to control outcomes of everything , come on buck up your ideas let go and develop some patience and be grateful for all the love and support around you , you are not going to be better over night you fool and you need to find a different way to be , it might be invisible to the world around you, after all you have hair again , all be it you look like a cross between Ziggy Stardust and Billy Idol oh come on move over punk you have hair and you look relatively normal to everyone else but be real there is no rush to fix it’s not yet time for a white wedding after all , no you are not completely okay yet , you are not normal and maybe that’s perfectly okay, holy cow woman of course you haven’t digested any of it good grief , darn it ! Alarm bells go off inside my head you just did it , you just went on the scariest haunted theme park ride yet , it changed so many parts of you , you no longer fit I spit , no wonder you are a abit confused , you just followed protocol , you did what ever you were told to do , took on the patient role , you just hopped on board , not many a question answered many asked though…. so Possibly let yourself off the hook for a while poppet. The end of treatment is slightly like a betrayal you do your side of things pull your weight ploughing on by and by through the horror of it all and then you are left fending for yourself with zero guidance at all except “ you are high risk , check your bones for pain in case of reoccurrence and take this toxic drug which is going to make you feel shit and suck your personality out of you , as if the body snatcher hasn’t already left you with not much to work with already , nobody tells you that the next bit on this ride is pretty rocky , the truth is that it never really ends for some anyway and I think it’s when it really hits you like a truck how vulnerable you have become and must start to live moment to moment being grateful for every single day but the demons are tough to wrestle with they linger around like ground hog day . Okay so it looks like I’m at battle with my mind now, war of my world , it’s not holding up so well , it got me through mastectomy, Chemo and radiotherapy but it’s now constantly throwing shrapnel , your going to die anyway, pow 💥, it’s not a question of if it comes back it’s a question of when it’s coming back bang💥your chances are low splat 💥, that sort of thing keeps coming at me , take that take this take that Batman your dead , over and over it’s like bad elevator music which just won’t stop, so scratch that shit. I’ve got to develop a clean slate of grey matter, I’ve got to become a master heist of my mind , you know Steve McQueen slash /movie star /boy racer /dish of all time /slash Thomas Crown master thief super sleek and cool 😎 I’ve got to be like him , I know I’ve managed to loose you here but the trick is to loose myself that’s all . I can not only fool everybody I can actually fool myself completely healthy again and then be well again that’s my goal , to become the master of my mind or cat woman on a hot Tin roof , sometimes I worry that I am abit odd but that’s another subject. Maybe I have always been ? I was such a naive young happy thing always laughing always smiling I remember people often asked me why did I always smile what on earth was wrong with me ? Funny that isn’t it and I always used to think that’s funny actually what is wrong with you, you miserable git ? Then i entered the proper adult world some bad stuff happened to me and then some beautiful and I began to worry about everything and everybody in the world , such a responsibility it turns out that being a full grown human is . Yoda But you know I never actually worried that I might die way before I had planned , it was more like worry about everyone else dying and me being left lonely in a forest in a wooden hut with a couple of cats you know that old chestnut ! , so I suppose there’s a good chance that I might not be left lonely anymore …. Maybe I’m being way too self indulgent I should be grateful and just get on with the business of being me again and be grateful and be done with it but it doesn’t feel that simple . Sometimes I’m overcome homesick for the old times if only I had never been ill but I’ve got to keep trying to climb out of this festering mind I must choose better thoughts i must sing aloud and dance , I must start to create who I want to be again one step , one moment, at a time after all life is like a board game you never quite know if you are taking the right moves sometimes you win and sometimes you loose but you’ve just got to keep on rolling the dice and carry on. Pps on holiday I’ve been asking the pretty mountain range what next ?will I be okay ?and in reply I heard very much you will be okay , you are barking mad dear Chrissy but you will be okay and I soak up the sun and remember to be grateful as I can’t swim in that same cancer chat anymore . Ah oh wait , stop , pause, I see you thought , pass on your way thought, because I don’t think that you are real I’m going to slowly find myself a new way different than before I’m not going to believe you anymore .