STOP

“I’ve hit the bottom & escaped “

Radiohead plays in the background and I did didn’t I , hit the cement flat on my face, but will I ever really escape , will I escape cancer ? at what point does it stop ?

I mean , when can I burst out of this bubble and stop BEING cancer, fearing cancer and be free again, be me again , burn up cancer on a new moon and start again , release all this shit , at least I must try to break free …….and Queen enters from the side curtain .

Each morning I wake up , I say to myself gosh hello me ( no honestly I do !) , phew no chemo today ,I’m breathing , Breathe , just Breathe no treatments well except my Tamoxifen which incidentally I’m not loving but hey I am alive .

Its like I have some sort of post traumatic thing going on and for a few seconds re live every morning I got through the long horrendous nights on chemo , I made it , check , I am alive , check , my teeth haven’t fallen out , my toe nails are still attached ,I can just about walk to the bathroom groovy , okay I can do this check , every morning I said that , I know it was obvious but sometimes I felt so adrift from myself and in so much pain , I had to remind myself I was lucky and breathing and doing this thing called surviving , but it was heavy and surreal , was this actually happening to me ? why had all the random shit of the world been thrown my way ? Bugger I must really be a Bad person , I’m being punished fuck , or was I just stuck in a nightmare , like my reoccurring walking sharks in tuxedos nightmare’s of my childhood , was it just another very bad dream ?

Even now I wonder was I trapped in another dimension , am I in some sort of time warp ? and that none of this was / is real , Well one’s things for sure my grammar has not improved , as I’m still not sure what tense I’m in , have I any hope at all ? , I get lost in a black hole ( continuing the time traveling theme ) and I’m suspended , everyday I get up and hope the fear of death dissipate’s a little bit more every day , further and further away from me out , out , further into the depths of the galaxy , just get lost cancer , please .

It had never occurred to me before last year , that I might die much earlier than I wanted , I was always worrying about that happening to everyone else but not me , it hits me randomly and most frequently, last week I was brushing up the leaves in the garden thinking how lucky I was and how warm the sun felt on my skin head and wondering if the sun would somehow make my hair grow faster , how lovely the birds tweeting against the backdrop of rustling trees sounded , I’m a poet don’t you know it , no really in these moments of time I just feel incredibly happy and two fragments later tears tumble down my cheeks , shit this is so lovely I’m so lucky brushing these leaves , life is so good please let me brush leaves for 20 more years , please.

Went swimming today first time since the summer before my mastectomy,firstly I felt scared putting on my costume , vulnerable and strange being out with other people again , but the water felt lovely against my legs and kind on my sore joints and goodness I’m way more buoyant with my new boob it seems .

I also had a blow dry on Friday ! , yes it was a revelation to me to have my skin head cut and dried what ? I’m slightly Me again and slightly less victim .

Side note , blow dry took 3 seconds .

Breathe check I’m alive ,

Relax poppet it won’t touch you again,

I hope .

Breathe check

Be in your life now stop being cancer , stop being afraid it will only waste time and make you cry .

Stop xxxxxx