My Monster . I am a dot .

Warning self centered , indulgent , corny very long nonsensical post, over sharing WAY too much again , forgive my loss of sanity for next few months , written full blown low ebb .

My monster , my twist plot of life , my great unraveling, my teacher , god I’m dramatic sorry xxxx

Disclaimer- most people will probably get through this easier than me , I’m a sensitive , all feeling , hurty wimp.

Every day it becomes clearer to me that I am just a mere dot on this world and actually I’m bloody lucky to have great medical care NHS, a brilliant family ,a glorious and very understanding ( very!) husband , good food and so much love , the best of friends new and old and everything in between that I need to get well ,really I have nothing to complain about but this is me a dot , a speck of sand stranded on twist plot beach of life , this fucker really caught me by surprise and still does I catch myself daily and shudder , I was so happy , I am happy don’t dare take this away from me .

Cancer / chemo my teacher ,

My very own monster ,my prison , no matter how strong I try to be , how many smiles I can muster , when it takes a grip of my body there is very little that I can do to fight back & that’s what scares the living shit out of me , now that I write that down living shit doesn’t sound like a very nice phrase at all !

So apart from the huge undeserving outpouring of love for me ( please don’t stop , it feels so good needy alert very needy) and the important ten thousand watt bright lightbulb lessons in life, I’m finally learning at last (fucking three cheers whoop whoop)this is what Breast cancer has been for me, it’s not very nice indeed , chemo beats me , it’s a huge pile of fear and slow dry rot but repeat repeat there is always love , always a return to love , the clouds generally part and I’m learning like a maniac , taking it all in , glugging it all down , brain cells well at least 3 of them are ticking over wildly , and love is abundant which is the very fabric of what it’s really all about .

Basically I have to lie back and surrender to it in order to get through it, peace out man smoke rings, but exhale , I hate the word or rather the idea of surrender it feels mostly like I’ve given up , caved in, surrender control because where chemo is concerned there is very little control left , you can really try to put a brave face on , buckle up your duffel coat , blend your essential oils on the souls of your feet , pluck jokes out of thin air , anything to help keep your pecker up or to pretend that you are ok ,until simply you can’t anymore.

Maybe out of the blue it grazes you for a while or two,takes you completely by surprise , a new pain or deeply unpleasant feeling strikes, tears tumble pathetically and at that moment I sink into the sofa and surrender and let chemo do it’s finest unraveling on me do it’s utmost , it is it’s job after all , I must not therefore forget that there is a reason for all this Thankyou ! I bless you chemo , I bow at your drip , to wreck your havoc on my rogue cancer cells and my brand new healthy ones too ( that’s the unfortunate rubbish bit though bugger , Bugger , fuckity fuck it )

The throbbing hip pain , it’s like a labyrinth of new symptoms to figure out each new time and I can’t escape , I’m welly deep to my burning knee caps , stumped, plugged into the mud , I’m lost , grasping at the finely cut hedges , trying to find my way out , bees stinging my legs hands, fingers ,ears and toes and no I’m not singing the nursery rhyme here it’s shit , I know where my limbs are now it’s abundantly clear , just I’m distinctly aware that they hurt like hec so I take it but often with tears rolling down my burning hot face , ( no amount of camomile cream seems to help , side note that was last night face not so red and sore today )worrying that my poor body is under attack , clinging on for Mikey to tell me anything good at all to pull me through and then we put on another movie, that’s the good part at least I realize over and over often how incredibly lucky I am ,

so I mentally slap myself for whimpering .

I love movies , I drift in and out and drink water to freshen my withered cracked mouth and take steroids and painkillers eagerly and then every now and again a fresh new panic crashes over me like a ton of bricks and I feel so very vulnerable again , sometimes it’s just for a fleeting moment but I’m not me at all , me has been paint stripped blotted away from my landscape ,at least in that moment , me is slurred and slow and I wonder how much more I could possibly take and I relate so much more to old people or anyone in pain or suffering even more so than before and the pain they must feel getting older or sicker when their bodies cave in on them , I’m lucky really compared to most but I’m a bloated , sore wimp and I miss running my hands through my hair .

I’ve been dreading number 4 since number 3 but also desperate to get nearer to the finishing line , passed the half way mark , at least now I’m fully dug in my trench going through week of number 4 hell and taking the incoming artillary just I’m not really military trained up for this onslaught and now I get to be simultaneously desperate for and dreading the next dose number 5 , gosh give me the first peeps of daffodils the springtime when this chemo will hopefully be a thing of my past , if I can only swim through this one with no major waves or hitches , goal stay out of hospital, eat 5000mg of vit c a day , probiotics , have a couple of blasts of oxygen treatment a Lovely man gave it to me very cheap just to help me , stay out of trouble , but again it’s just a lottery I guess we see surrender that word case in point again, I hear you .

July this whole bollocks started, or tits rather , and I think I’m tired, I know I’m very lucky but I feel more and more removed from who I am and from the world , I can’t wait till I find the opening of this maze and start to feel fully alive again and I know that life will taste ten fold sweeter than before and that’s exciting that’s the prize of my disease, my real home coming , keep my eye on the prize , just stay alive as a precious friend wrote to me.

I know I’m being very self indulgent but that’s very much how it feels in the mix of this flurry of hell , take one step at a time forgive myself that I’m abit rubbish and move on to the next good thing , the next day , enjoy the many moments of pure simple bread and cheese , happiness, cling on to childlike joy try not to let the resentment and fear creep in too often, disperse, dispense, disown the fear the minute you can, and cling to the love for respite and release from my very own prison , the abyss I’m spinning in or wallowing in . Enough.

Now I’m taking out my elephant trunk to blow my troubles away, I made it through Christmas feeling largely happy for my family most of the time, Georgia loved all her new hand made ( I didn’t make them ) mice’s and Mouses and rabbits to play with , and a mini cardboard Ballet studio that even brought tears of joy to her lovely , tumbling over with magic grateful eyes , tick , I didn’t ruin her Christmas and Jamie and Mikey were love hearts as usual , my poor old Mum seemed happy too and dad so pleased to have our company and being so kind to me lots of pep talks phew xxxx

Meanwhile Thankyou for sticking by my moaning rants , lets carry on cultivating more and more love together,

ps that was my positive crescendo xxx

Also it’s not really about me it’s actually about all of us , you , we are dots , we are the little dots but when we string the dots together and cultivate ( I’ve found another word I like so using twice as it rolls of my tongue easily ) more love and understanding we can be free , what the fuck am I on about now? , I don’t know , me , we , you , are a life line , you are my life line I’m hanging onto and I’m so glad to be alive Thankyou without you all it would be ghost town 😊xxx

Ps please don’t let this post scare you , they are just my hurts individual to me , maybe I’m quite selfish and not everyone is such a wimp like me and get through much easier and even if you don’t I am probably over egging this just slightly and I love boiled eggs but you will get through I just need my soldiers in the toast , butter and love from me , hugs ,always xxxx

Pps it’s raining its pouring the old man is snoring he bumped his head at the top of his bed and couldn’t get up in the morning but Its Saturday am , I’m in the eye of the needle it’s stormy and fresh outside and this girl has just got out of bed and pulled on her American football top for that feel good Rocky “I’m a winner “feeling and promptly spewed up my 5000 mg of vitamin C god damn it !

Cue tears again I did get to the bathroom in the time though my sense of humor is seriously waning against this backdrop but ….

Do or do not -there is no try YODA

He’s by my side .

Now can you hear me humming the Rocky theme, Den Den da le en la la la , I’m running up those steps I’m over half way through , punch the air I love you all my life line dot dot dot finally full stop the end xxxxx<<<<<<
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