So it started out great , oncologist lowered dose by 20%
I’m bloody thrilled , high five sister We punch the air , this has to make all the difference in the stratosphere and after 4 days on a toxic antibiotic drip there is to be no delay,my bloods are good , I’m still scared , terrified that my kidneys will hold out as my back aches and legs are still very heavy , but this is ace we are doing this , storming ahead , I’m desperate to keep on trekking up this god forsaken mountainous terrain, that sounds quite daft or poetic maybe , maybe not , I don’t know but I need to get out of dodge pronto .
I’ve got my brilliant friend with me , she’s got snacks and flasks you name it, I’m pretty glad she’s not in her bright pink flamingo fancy dress outfit though( save me ) and we are nailing this .
The nurses are kind and laugh out loud at my notes in my chemo log which read “ I haven’t got cancer I’ve got chemo fuck this shit “
I’m feeling groovy and cool , like we are good human beings after all , everything is going swimmingly, pretty damn marvelous, well in the scheme of things .
We hug everyone and laugh a lot , we are having a right Old sisterhood.
we wave fond grateful happy goodbyes , I thank and hug them all and they tell me it’s so easy to be nice to some folk it’s like fresh air , I’m feeling so good .
we get home , stick on our jammies , batten down the hatches, block the outside world out , cover ourselves in cosy blankets .
We switch on the Telly ,huddle down as if there is a storm outside and I make Lisa watch “ the finest “ I just love Bill Nighy and war films so much my favorite thing.
The Cottage is warm and I’m so grateful that she is looking after me , how silly to think I could do this all by myself as it’s so clear I would be useless , I’m so grateful for love and laughter and kindness and then and then and then it happens .
There is an suspicions lull in the air ,it’s all far too good to be true , it’s like a Sunday afternoon , but I begin to feel cold and blue .
And then and then it happens ……
“Yohan yohan “ I call out “ save me “ I’m crawling through the Sahara pulling myself through the hot sand “ who the hell is yohan “ she says , I don’t know but I’m here again in chemo land , the vultures are circling , my body is buried deep in quick sand .
My retinas are frying “ turn off the light “
Maybe that’s a stretch too far my helper stares at me eyes bulging, We laugh ! No seriously turn off the light !
Crawling up the stairs takes us half an hour we are down base level with the bottom feeders .
I am mullered , pushed
I am a scrap on the floor , we have to rest at the top ( I’m not talking Great heights of stairs here , infact will count now just 11 for sure ! ) I have to lean on her constantly for support.
I am in a dessert ,I am in the South Pole , I’m strung out ,
I am stripped bare , this is it , me the parched , wilting , sparse , undergrowth all exposed , well certainly since I can no longer put my self on the privy anymore ,it’s not at all pretty ,everything everything is in outer space here goes , I have no gravity except her, sorry I say sorry a lot and thankyou , Thankyou , Thankyou , sorry you have to see this …….
I am the scar crow, the lion , the tin man
in the Forrest in the wizard of oz I am lost .
I am nothing apart from the love around me and Dorothy ( Now referred to as Lord Snowden) thank goodness .
That is what chemo is to me .
my mouth is parched like Egyptian scroll paper , my legs are heavy ,stuck in weighted , metal , diving boots , I wretch , I heave ,
I’m a failure of human nature, I am weak and I am frail , oh wo me
.
I’m huddled and curled around my pillow to my sore tummy in fetal position , I’m broken , not sure ,I can handle this anymore , but she strokes my face and kisses me and somehow I know that I am safe , she tucks me in like a ham sandwich I feel nurtured.
The truth for me is though that this is brutal .
Savage and cruel
Taken me to the brink
I surrender you got me , I wave my white flag take me down with you, you fucker as frankly I give up , I lay back .
I’m not quite sure how I will endure this anymore I stare at the ceiling .
My personality is split in two , one part just breathing the other in a medieval play , “come hither Lord Snowden” , I say to Lisa , again her face says it all ,eyes wide open to bursting like I have gone insane , which clearly I have , but she takes it all in her stride and comes to me , “come hither “I say curling my finger like a demented creep , “I Knight thee ( with my sword of course ) the most bestest Lord Snowden Nurse that there ever was and has ever been and so may it be , go now leave me “ I wimper , “ I’m so grateful for you , but turn off the bloody lights my eyes , my eyes are Burning I bid you farewell “.
What the fuck ? Yep I know , I’m not lying it’s my chemo trip for you .
At the end of this if I have a friend left on this planet it will be ascribed to a super natural cause , what ? I’m banking on the universe or Santa Clause .
Again it’s the morning and I did survive, Lisa jumped as soon as I moved in the night and helped me to navigate the water closet several times , plonking me on it , pulling me up again dignity , did I say dignity?, oh what the hec , blow it , but we made it all the way through and it’s a beautiful sunny day .
She’s knows me in all sorts of ways now , my god she’s still here it’s a miracle !
I am quiet , I can hardly speak ,
God really is this still happening to me ?.
I manage to eat a boiled egg , but everything is a stretch,thank goodness my faithful Nurse has my Meds all lined up to scratch because I can hardly think .
I lie back down I do very little I am broken but I know I’m safe .
Marie and Lise have G , susan, Lisa 2 ! and Tina take the day shift , cleaning honestly I don’t care , Lauren’s gentle voice and wise words filter through the air like a fairy , her beautiful nature is a gift to my bones , Verity runs from Work to do my injection , I look like crap but honestly what the hell maybe Dracula my new guise is suiting me now .
My friends and family sending lots of messages I can hardly reply .
My mother in law does my washing and shows me up a thing or two, turns out I’m a crap housewife by the way and need to up my ironing skills and I even relent and hand Lauren my crusty underwear too , I’ve clearly lost the plot .
Perhaps crusty was unnecessary here ! Delete delete , scrap that from your brain Sorry let’s be sick .
But here I am layed bare , I don’t really care
I trust that these dear people somehow love me , so I have no option other than to let them get me through .
Natalie brings me cakes and “Grease” Olivia Newton John simply has to do the trick , I cry a lot and ask her if I’m a Bad person “why is this happening to me ? “And then Lauren comes and puts me to bed her gentle nature soothes me , I’m so lucky indeed.
First night left fending for myself , I’m a little scared but I’ve got this , I tell G I’m can’t parent her well but I love her and glad she’s home , “ she says that’s okay mummy I’m so tired I’m going to watch Telly don’t worry I don’t need much “ and that she loves me so so so much .
It’s 3.30 in the morning me and G can’t sleep , she’s had a nightmare and I just can’t keep myself from thinking into the void , what is going to happen to me to us ? , just how far will this stretch my tether ? how deeply will it let us Breathe , will I be able to bare it again,feel again , will I make it ?
The dead of night is lethal for rampant black thoughts , I put some essential oils behind her small ears and mine and tell her that it will dissolve her worries away and give her a crystal to hold , I curl up beside her and put Grampa’s electric blanket on , we snuggle up and I tell her we must sleep don’t worry I’m not going anywhere, I tell her to try to sleep now , think of Christmas, think of mice’s and daises and everything will be just great , I kiss the hairs on her little neck .
So it’s been a week now and I’m brightening up gosh , oh my goodness chemo is deeply shit but my body is like a faithful dog and is coming back to me at last !
Friends on a loop have been so good to me without them I would be toast or a crumb in the Hoover actually( not a Dyson of course )
I’m back on the straight and narrow trying to help myself again , found a gorgeous very happy giggly yoga teacher from Vietnam ,
I love her sat Nam .
Mikey comes back from China and I’m glad he’s home he says
“You look like some beautiful holistic monk in Your orange woolly hat and you are going to tell me that everything in the world is ok or actually you are an alien from the 70’s , like proper William shatner Star Trek “ ( I think he meant the one he always wanted to shag!)
We turn on Elton John
Tiny dancer, we are finally middled aged , it feels good I dance abit and he cry’s , “ I’m so happy you are back
It’s my Christmas Day “
I’m back .
So leaving you on a good note , I feel well I’ve had 4 Curiosity Killed the Cat “ fantastic days “
The nurses came today to wash my pick line and told me that I am the most positive person that they have ever met , no honestly I really am , I tell them my stories of wo and self pity and they say no really , you really are Fabulous , you are really amazing , I think they mean it .
So love is all around me , it most certainly is .
It’s a fantastic day la la la spin around I’m back .
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