There are 3 things I hate .

3 things I hate .

So there are 3 things that I hate , small spaces , Lorries on Motorways and needles !

Well there are lots of things and you know those by now , slap your own face , fall down fast asleep on the floor or indeed whilst standing that Brexit is another ….but moving on ……phew

Sharp needles

Sharp needles have always been a problem to me , since I was tiny , much more so than sharks ,large spiders wearing DM’s boots , cliff teetering edges , needles , yes needles , especially sharp long flesh searing needles , I know I know exaggerating again , are like a whole other kettle of fish or just another kettle of out there No way Hozay for me . Yes I am pin prick totally 100 percent feeble , Cry baby quaking at my knees think too long sick to my stomach pin pick pathetic.

These nightly bone marrow injections are the pits ,it goes like this ; work myself into a little frenzy ,act like a child , make myself a hot water bottle , walk into different rooms , need a pee , basically do anything to avoid said torture, I sit down , stand up , change chairs and flee then Mikey chases me around the kitchen , except it’s not that sexy and not that funny really after all , then a lecture is had , a talk down “ baby this is to make you better “ pep talk up ,there’s hyperventilating , a few baby tears of I’m not doing this any more and I hate my oncologist again and I force myself to take yet another puncture to my tummy pin prick to every one else, yes it’s official I’m a total fully fledged coward of a wimp , Yelp it is actually pretty sore and now I have bruises to show for it too, Mikey takes another swig of wine , or was that whisky to recover and another , he’s away next chemo 2 and there’s no way, zero Nada no way I’m brave enough to administer this or let anyone else either I’m not doing this anymore …

Trailing off again .

So far Body is decomposing at an interestingly fast rate and it’s still only week 1 , god on a bike save me!

numb in my arm and fingers of pick line side,various shooting pains , added crunches of my hip, shoulder and vertebrae, my scalp is itchy and my feet , my bones ache , my mouth is beginning to cave in at the sides or crumble slightly feels like sandpaper when I roll my tongue against the walls of my gums, my tongue is stinging my skin feels like well it feels very different, my boob hurts , the skin on my face has taken on a new very odd texture , my tummy swollen, I have a perma headache and synapses now fail to fire on an even keel or even at all , my ears feel unbalanced and wonder what will be left of me by the end of this debacle.

Mince meat .

I will be mince meat , um interesting I observe regularly, constantly.

I could use this as an experiment watching how my body holds up under this new duress , observe like a scientist or inspector Cluseau , except I need to work on my French , maybe this is some new morbid kind of fun , now that’s a positive slant for you !

I hadn’t honestly realized how hard this would hit me , how actually witnessing my body almost decompose before my very eyes is so bloody alarming , loosing my hair isn’t just a kind of cool moment where I can pretend I’m actually fine with it and don a funny wig , it actually means that chemicals are killing all the fast growing cells , all of them healthy or not , it doesn’t care , it’s a complete white wash power hose down with peroxide bleach , it’s doing a full blown wide awake nightmare on elm street Freddy Krugar on me and no will or determination will stop it , it’s a given , I am right Royaly fucked and will never quite be that silly old thing I was before .

I know I know cancer cells too, it’s killing them too , main point I suppose, positive slant take two .

Gosh the thing is about me I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve, perhaps I’m too emotional like many might say or even neurological unhinged some might say too , but I’m Me , so here it is , fully exposed a plethora of developing cracks in my personality and huge weaknesses on full display a plethora( I like that word ) of pathetic, of my darker quite ugly under belly for you , my arms wide open here it is , this is me and it’s not pretty, strong or brave .

Don’t worry ,actually this is making me quite angry , so I’m going to get a grip for starters, never ever in the history of me did I think I would sprout seeds let alone actually eat them it’s alarming , I don’t really like Yoga , well now I WILL like yoga , all of a sudden my diet is healthed up to the max , if you are going to attack me chemo then I’m going to attack you back with everything I can muster and when I can’t then I will watch Christmas movies until they are coming out of my ears and work this sadness and will be beating up the elf on the shelf for all I’m worth until it’s out of my system .

Note to self, do not, I repeat ruin Christmas for your family , do not do it , okay ? Cool, got it . ( positive self feedback 3)

One day my poor family and friends I will no longer be a burden , I will take myself to finishing school to clear up my profusely amped up bad language, well probably not , but when this is over , I’m going to fully zen out , freak out and do what ever the damn hell I like , perhaps actually I will care even less what people think of this mad bat out of hell and revel in this life because apart from cancer it’s bloody good .

So anyway that’s where I’m at today getting healthy , abit not quite so chirpy but I’m good, I’m okay , I’m going to try and take myself by the scruff of the neck / wig and get through this next 6 months somehow .