Oh dear .

Day 1 chemo /picc line

Bad omen , pick line took 2hrs to insert, my veins misbehaving, lovely doctors say it’s okay and joke and say this doesn’t often happen , their voices and situation and voices getting less stable slightly traumatic , hopefully nobody noticed the odd tear through my jovial , grateful banter , me trying to stay calm.

Finally achieved they managed to release from my neck and flow somewhere else , phew hot wheel it to the next hospital to the chemo unit , yay let’s get this thing started.

Turns out that

Emotionally strong ,but physically kind of Bambi actually makes you emotionally Bambi too

A. Expect your worst hangover on day 4 is what I was told and is fairly manageable &Chemo is so much better these days , they don’t let you suffer not at all what I remember in “ dying young” which broke my heart,years ago , chemo has massively evolved since those horrific days, so grateful but it turns out tonight is the worst night of my entire life , well-there are a few others but boy this wacks any of them over the head literally.

Gee ,

In an effort to cut down my swearing which tonight ramped up to what Mikey said was fifteen fucks every ten minutes, I’m going to say gee whizz , yep gee wiz well this sucks the big one !

Mikey rang hospital, I could hardly speak and of course as everything has come at once so has chemo brain , he then explains I know she might sound crazy but she’s not she’s actually ,she’s very strong it just seems she has been hit with everything very quickly and is this normal? They talk about my temperature,it’s okay , she tells him I must drink loads of water and to ring throughout the night , He passes over the phone, the thing Is I murmur, after saying sorry for being over the top and for bothering her , can you tell me that this is normal ? Because if it is I can take it ,i will try my best to deal with it accept it, well it is normal for some people but this is extreme but yes some people unfortunately do react like this, sorry you poor thing the kind concerned voice of the nurse says , drink lots of water , I think you should go to the hospital.

Ok so I’m in the deepest pits of hell but I’m okay I can do this .

Night one ,sore eyes, headache , try to sleep through the nausea and backdrop of hell.

The good news is it’s 3:07am and I woke up throwing up , but relief I’m no longer feeling like I am literally dying ,or that I might as well as if this is only the beginning I can’t do this , I can’t I tell myself I no longer want to die and this is good sign , I’m still in the pits of hell , but this is better , I ache all over ,I’m shivering , the the worst headache to to hit woman kind is baring down on my forehead , bones ache ,mouth dry as a Sahara desert , already it seems so unfair , unmanageable, I have so many ailments stacking up against little me , in a matter of hours the chemo has released a veritable foray of nasties and is wrecking havoc with added global warming to my eyes they are gritty and sore , I can hardly walk , buckled over with my new 90 year old woman posture( many are much more mobile than me )moving slowly at snail rate an hour , my veins in my legs are stinging and my legs feel taught like heavy planks of wood infact I’m having a whole evil planet of very unpleasant new sensations all over my body , but I can now , yes I can make it to the bathroom , my wee is bright red that’s the drugs running through me .

I even managed to go down stairs and refill my water , spray my eyes and swig some gentle hydrating mouth wash , gee , shit , how can I possibly be one of the people that has every side effect immediately, can hardly believe that this is only day one , I’m giving up ………… yep I might

Right stop writing , resume in morning as sitting up makes me nauseous as hec , what is hec? It is hell , but I’m no longer thinking that I will most definitely die this is good , but I don’t want to throw up my latest tablet , night night pop pickers ps if I manage to sleep that’s Day 1 Armaghgedon over , George Michael , Jesus to a child is playing gently in the background in my internal jukebox , it’s playing softly lulling me to sleep against a foray of fear , does that even make sense ….

I really wanted to be the girl ( middle aged woman but I generally feel much younger !)who did this well and made my family proud , not quite sure that’s going to happen from tonight’s shocking display, but the thousand kisses from G , Jamie ringing and my poor Mikey rushing around trying to help me , well I submit I will fall into their arms and my friends hands as right now I haven’t really got this .

Its morning – I keep thinking “Daddy” bizarrely over and over , I think I need my electric blanket which has been tasked with my dad to buy , but I never call him daddy , in my head over and over , god on a bike I’ve regressed to a 103 year old /5 year Old combo of mush , yep make no sense yep but he’s coming today With an electric blanket for my shivers and achey sore bones and sharp bee sting bites in my veins and even new pain in my reconstructed booby,I can literally feel the chemo nipping away at the stitches on my chest bone , fuck, shit , gee wiz it’s really doing its finest this chemo blast is truly messing with my mojo , how-on earth am I going to parent G ? but she was a credit to herself last night calm and gentle , be a good wife er just stand up ?

Mid morning I made it I survived! , I’m in love with my fluffy ( washable 😂) electric blanket that dad brought over this morn , I’m no longer Antarctica to my bones , I’m glued to sofa , managed to keep down a boiled egg and soldiers without throwing up , and watching Good Morning Jeremy Kyle though I will never ever stoop that low.

I feel much less scared , the sunshine is filtering through my window , “the storm clouds always pass “, that’s what they say don’t they or they part something like that , it’s clique I know but maybe it’s true I made it , small steps day 1xxxxx

G is happy pottering , M is working back to normal .