Running through my mind actually hurtling through my mind is all the things I must cancel , schedule , organize when I get home , I must get my book work done promptly in case I have little energy and forget to do it when things get started , get fined in January and then because I still forget ,get put in prison in February, mind is escalating again .
Must clean house, clean mum and dads house , so much to do brothers coming home from Australia and need to prepare , shit bad timing , cancel clients and tell them ,cancel my work training day , damn was looking forward to that ,scrap my identity , figure out all my worries , that’s quite a big one , oops that’s quite a big one shelve that for now , one at a time , have an eye test , buy eyeliner this a priority.
Cancel going to a party because there’s no way I can pull that off in current state of mind , order birthday presents ,get some healthy cereals in ,infact a cupboard full of healthy things and look up what supplements will support me ,(I’m so lucky really that I can do this – side thought )give up dairy , give up sugar well will cut down as life would be a little less without it , figure out what the hell I’m going to do about my work , yes that reminds me what on earth am I going to do about work ? , I want to keep going but somehow I know I’ve got to start being realistic , make a plans and b plans , start to hunker down , fix boiler ( I’m going to be cold , it’s August but already panicking) I need to be warm , buy a Woolly hat ………
It’s the last day of our holiday or day before the night we fly home , I want to expand time , drawing my arms out length ways as far as they can stretch , hey presto , puff the magic dragon poof of mist and as if by magic , there you go I’ve done it ,this day is going to be very long, wide & full and indeed , I’m going to wallow in every inch of it in the sunshine and in the lovely warm water and feel it bubbling around my bones ,smile at all the lovely people , luxuriate in every moment ( I’m being a tad self indulgent here ) before the shit really hits the fan next week .
Life as I know it ,body , mind as I know it , me as I know me is about to change big time .
The strangest things trigger thoughts and reactions that I have never had before , some of these thoughts seem quite silly really but they are my thoughts , what’s trickling out of my brain , elevators , coming down in one on my way to the pool, looking in the mirror at my T shirt , oh I love this T shirt shame I only wear it on holidays but I love it must wear it more often , oh I have two boobs today so it’s never ever going to sit like this on me again , well not at least naturally , it will be wonky , oh this is the last holiday I will have wearing my bikini , not that I’ve ever paid much attention to my body before apart from slating it from time to time but revelation it’s actually okay ,sod the lumps and bumps, stretch marks and veins the oddities of it ,its mine and it’s been good to me , gosh I berated you so much , so sorry how crap am I for not noticing you before , slipped out of tense again on purpose as this is really a conversation between myself and myself so it doesn’t matter by the the way , nothing much matters but hey really , all these years I’ve covered myself up , I mean I’m abit of a Tom boy really and suddenly I’m thinking I need to take in all my female body parts and lap them up , because actually unbeknown to me I’m okay and my body is not so bad after all , damn perhaps I should have done those naked or underwear shots that friends do for their husbands , well one friend I know anyway ! ( mind you she has a personal trainer and only drinks green tea !)Perhaps I shouldn’t have tried to hide it so much and just let it out into the open more , maybe I could have been more glamorous just sometimes , maybe wearing daring fishnet stockings and plunging necklines on occasion perhaps .
So I’m in the mirror taking some of the first and last pictures that I have ever taken of my body and my boobs in a bikini top and various bra tops for the memory box , tick done . Oh and by the way G and M really don’t want me to post these “please don’t post those will you””I mean these really are too sexy , you really will get slated , get yourself into trouble and have weirdos coming to murder you ” & probably J at home would agree , ok noted.
Drifting off gosh it’s so pretty here and the sun is hot against my skin , stretch time , lap it up , breathe , we’ve got this .
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